Say My Name

'Sorry' has slowly crept its way into my daily vocabulary, its probably my most used word now. I'm a very conscious, self aware person. I'm an honest and opinionated 20 year old, but I avoid confrontation and aggravation at all costs. I am not by all means argumentative, and I therefore tend to stay on the side lines when it comes to confrontation. If I feel like I'm being annoying or a nuisance, I'll apologise, even though I am reassured (most of the time) that I'm not. I'm confident when it comes to getting up on stage and performing, but I would rather lower my voice in a cafe in the fear of being too loud. Or make myself as small as possible on a busy train in order to not irritate a fellow passenger. My fear of not fitting into peoples lives comfortably without causing a disturbance even in the most tiniest of ways is very daunting to me, as I like to be liked. I just sometimes go above and beyond in making sure I am, even when I know deep down I don't need to and even in some cases its at my own expense.

I recently went to a festival in London, and despite being desperate to go and enjoy the atmosphere with one of my best friends and listen to the music being played there, it epitomised everything I'm fearful of. The huge unknown space, crammed crowds and lots of people. My meta cognitive thoughts (therapy coming in handy with the lingo) about endless bad things happening rushed through my head like a river. But I was determined to go and stay there. I was determined to prove to myself that I could go and have a bloody good time, proving that nothing bad was going to happen, as my brain would normally tell me.

However I found that I was constantly excusing myself to other people and making sure I didn't rock the boat of any kind, but in return I ended up worrying too much about that and not about having a good time, for example not dancing too much in fear of knocking people, or walking through the crowds in fear of being questioned (yes we all know people who are trying to find their "friends" but really just want to get closer to the stage). One thing however really stuck with me whilst I was there. It may seem small but it has been in my head ever since. Every time I met someone and introduced myself, I found myself excusing my own name to them! I ended up describing it as something that sounded like a very confused dictionary; Natalia. Yes, it sounds like Natalie but it isn't really Natalie. A and not an E. Oh and don't call me Natalie, sorry, because I actually hate being called Natalie. It's not my name. Although Natalia is hard to remember so you can just call me Nattie. Or Nat actually, sorry, because Nattie might sound a bit weird and child like to you even though all my friends and family call me Nattie. But yes, my name is Natalia, but no you don't have to call me it. If you don't want to. Sorry.

But the thing is, I do this all the time. My year book quote was literally "its an A not an E" because I got tired of explaining it to teachers, and it ended up becoming a running joke.After an exhausting weekend of explaining myself to every Tom, Dick and Harry there I realised these huge, anxiety-ridden feelings all stem from not accepting myself, and I'm really working on it. This weekend just made me realise how often I do it. Every new person I meet it becomes a task to me as I believe first impressions are essential. I'm a confident, strong person, however people are greeted with a very unsure Natalia. Or Nat. Or whatever.

By going to therapy and controlling these thoughts of anxiety and panic has become so important to me and its honestly working. But noticing myself making excuses for who I am has made me realise that these thoughts need to stop. I always thought I was confident in myself, what you see is what you get type of thing, but these thoughts have opened up much deeper meanings than I actually thought they would. Me excusing my name relates to me not feeling good about myself, not feeling pretty enough, or not tall enough, or being too loud in that cafe, or taking up lots of room on that train. I'm slowly backing myself into a corner were no one will take notice, no one will see or hear me, which is not who I am. My anxiety clashes hugely with my personality and who I am as a person, and sometimes small things like explaining and apologising for your own name can really put things into perspective.

I love my name. It literally states who I am. and I love who I am. I love what I do, I love my family, friends and the life I have. I just let other peoples opinions and happiness get in the way sometimes. Which I feel, in this day and age, majority of people do too. But all I can say is the people whose opinions should matter most, are the ones who bother to say your name right.