It's OK not to be OK!

Today marks an extremely significant day for me. After 6 months of therapy I had my last session and honestly it feels weird. For so long I ached for the day I'd finish, longed for the day I'd feel "better" or be "cured", however it's not the case. Today I felt feelings of relief and happiness, but also feelings of vulnerability and realisation of my anxieties, and how deeply I can let my thoughts take over my head. Let me tell you why.

For a bit of background, 6 months ago I was at a pretty low point in my life and my anxiety had peaked. I feel as though it ebbed and flowed since I was a young teenager and I started to recognise when it would heighten the older I got, so in a way I was more prepared for what was to come. But it equally got harder to control as my worries became more aggressive and stressful.

I suffer with generalised anxiety disorder which is caused by cognitive attentional syndrome and depression, finding it difficult to control worrying and obsessive thoughts, especially in situations that may involve conflict, situations where I would tell myself bad things will happen to myself and/or others if I do or say anything wrong, or fear the worst in everyday situations.

Before I came to recognise this though, I found it hard in accepting the thought of going to therapy and that I needed any help. I thought others needed help more than I did and I didn't deserve to feel this way, as I have such great family and friends supporting me. But the battles in my head were just figments of my imagination- THEY WEREN'T REAL- and I came to realise it has nothing to do with your life situation, it's to do with you and your thoughts.

And so that is the purpose of this blog I suppose. If anyone happens to read this and can kind of relate, it's normal to feel like that. But you can't let it stop you from getting the help you need, because it isn't true. It's your anxiety telling you you aren't good enough. It's also normal to feel alone but simultaneously get annoyed when you're told you're not alone. Just because other people feel it doesn't make it any easier for yourself. But by accepting it and getting the help you need you can recognise your own individual anxieties and work towards battling them.

For so long I believed worrying was part of who I was, it was in my nature. Simply uncontrollable. But by visiting a psychologist I realised that I am just as in control of my bad thoughts as I am my good, I just needed to find a way of resolving the bad ones and making them into good ones, or simply making them disappear.

I also came to learn that by avoiding things, it just makes the situation 10000x worse. If you learn to face your phobias and fears regarding conflict or confrontation, you will start to realise aggression and assertiveness are two separate things, and by learning how to master the latter you will live a less stressful life. It's like having a fear of heights; you only overcome it by going up somewhere high. Or facing a tarantula when you're a huge arachnophobe.

So I am excited for the future, as I feel like the best version of myself, and there's no better feeling than that. When friends and family tell you you look healthier and happier, there’s no better incentive than to carry on working towards being who you really are. Maybe you like the idea of therapy, maybe you don't- trust me I had both these feelings. But going to therapy should just be as normalised as going to the doctors or dentist for a check-up. Your mental health is real. It is important. It controls everything you do, and you need to look after it. Over the past year I have found things I'm interested in, and I have put all my energy into them to feel my best. At university, our Drama at Work module helped me look into my own future and take positive notes in order to overcome my fears, not just in the present day but for the future.

And that's why I'm apprehensive, I guess. I know I'm not "cured" and I probably never will be, but I know I have to take all the exercises I learned and all the knowledge I gained in therapy into the big bad world with me, all by myself. But I've tapped into the person I really am inside my head. I'm feeling confident I can overcome anxiety if and when it creeps back into my life again, because that person inside my head is actually pretty sick.