6 Top tips on how to be assertive

For the past 4 months, I've started to recognise myself again. I can see my most confident and real self. I've been attending therapy sessions which have been helping me pick apart my fears and phobias in everyday life. I suffer with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and depression, but I certainly don't like to make it apart of who I am. It is NOT a personality trait; I tried to estrange myself so far from those words because I was quite frankly in denial of it all. But learning to accept it, address it and then work towards tackling it has been so refreshing and I feel like the real me, the me that I want to be. I have found recently that my anxiety is hugely triggered by assertion and confrontation, and I try to avoid it at all costs. I tend to just avoid things in general because I fear the worst in every situation, I make myself physically sick from it and I over think absolutely everything for long periods of time. After going to therapy I have learned from strategies given to me in order to cope with these everyday interactions, but I can't lie its pretty draining and hard for me. But I'm working hard at it.

One thing I need to learn is how to be assertive and not get it mistaken for an argument or confrontation. So, combining what I've learned so far in therapy and my aspirations to become a media marketer or writer of some sort, I've made a top tips page that people can look at if they feel similarly to me. This journalistic approach helped me make sense of my mental health issues as it was something that interested me and so I knew I could learn from it.

1. Don't take peoples opinions to heart.

Firstly, I take things to heart very easily and tend to take people's opinions personally when they're just literally stating an opinion. In social situations, especially on social media, I often hold back my own opinions in fear of backlash and arguments because they make me feel awful and uncomfortable. But by wanting to make a statement regarding your own opinion isn't offending anyone, you are just stating your view on a matter. Don't let it get to you because it isn't personal to you, its just an opinion.

2. Sandwich.

I like this one. When a conflicting scenario takes place and you need to act fast in a non-confrontational way, calmly take out your sandwich. It goes a little like this.

- "I'm sorry you feel that way" that's the first layer of bread, the nice part- you're acknowledging and apologising for how someone feels, NOT for what you have done.

- "But I don't agree with you" the make-or-break moment in the middle. You need to address the situation at hand, whatever it is.

-" However we can do... to overcome..." this is the final piece of bread, making a solution and a very assertive yet clever sandwich.

3. Express your needs.

"I" statements are very important when being assertive. Give reasons to why you are stating your needs but don't go as far as trying to justify yourself. Justifying myself is a really big problem for me as I go above and beyond to try and make everything OK over and over again in the fear that people won't like me or feel like I am being a horrible person. For example, "I would prefer to discuss this later" or " I was disappointed that you did that."

4. Repeat the assertion.

If you are confronted when expressing your needs, you CANNOT back off or apologise for them. I do this all the time to avoid conflict and end up getting frustrated or annoyed at myself later on for not saying/doing what I wanted to do, then becoming passive aggressive. Which is the worst. Acknowledge what someone is saying, but still assert what you are trying to get across.

5. Just say NO!

Ah. This stumps me. I will feel guilty for saying no so I end up saying yes to people. But in my own head I will get frustrated that I've said yes, so either will carry through the task holding a grudge, unknowingly to the other person, becoming passive aggressive again. Or, I will say no after thinking about it, and then the other person ends up getting annoyed because I've let them down, and then I end up getting stressed out that I've let someone down. Annoying aren't I?! But I just get wrapped up in my own thoughts and overthink every situation. I'm my own worst enemy because I do things initially to not hurt anyone's feelings but end up doing more damage in the long run, which makes me very anxious. Its definitely something I'm working on.

6. Responsibility.

This has been my hardest obstacle. My whole life I've tried to please everyone, not rock the boat and stay on the side lines in order to not hurt anyone's feelings. But I end up hurting my own feelings because I'm not being true to myself. If you do the same, you need to remember that you are not responsible for peoples feelings when it comes to your own opinion. Sure, if you're screaming at someone saying "your opinion is wrong. I am right. You are stupid" you're just outright being a bitch. But you cannot apologise for how situations make you feel, similarly you can't be responsible for people and their actions and feelings towards your opinion. You ARE entitled to it.

I know it will take me a while to overcome this obstacle in my life, but I am so glad that I can acknowledge it and hopefully learn from it. I never intend to offend or upset anyone and try so hard to get that across, as its my biggest fear. However I need to put my own feelings and opinions first. By dealing with situations assertively instead of passive aggressively avoids any sort of confrontation that I have tried to desperately to avoid.